Bob Up Before The Beak!

Curly Bob stood before the beak in Avignon yesterday. He was advised to plead guilty to reduce his sentence. His lawyer had thought about citing Bob’s previous conduct but then thought better of it.

Everyone accepted Bob’s good character and how he has worked tirelessly, (at least some of the time), in promoting my career and sales of paintings to raise money for charities.

When asked if he had anything to say Bob threw himself on the mercy of the court. In his defence he had not realised how honey, chocolate, ice cream and alcohol were so much more expensive in France than the U.K. It was because of this Bob had not realised the enormity of the debts he was running up.

Unsurprisingly the Magistrate was not too impressed by this. Perhaps if Bob had not sampled the delights of the wines & beers of Provence so much he might have noticed waiters staggering around resembling Quasimodo with massive trays of drinks etc. Several were thinking of suing Bob in connection with physiotherapy bills.

Having considered all the options he declared Bob guilty on all counts and a menace to the tourist trade. He went on to admit it was the saddest case of a bear being led astray by others of lower moral character (Clearly the Magistrate was delusional..Ed).

He was sentenced to 200 hours of unpaid community service at “La Ferme des Abeilles Heureuses” , “The Happy Bees Honey Farm” to help with the hives. (Will these people never learn?)

In addition Bob was ordered to attend a honey management course and an alcohol management course. Finally he would have to remain in France for the duration of his sentence. Any relapse in his behaviour would result in transportation to Devil’s Islands where it is well known that the spiders and other creepy crawlies are twice the size of those in the Yucatan. This definitely seemed to get Bob’s attention.

Bob would be allowed to keep his bear friendly IPad but had to wear an electronic tag on his lower left paw. I would be allowed to visit him on a regular basis. The magistrate concluded by expressing his hope that the sentence would be a deterrent to future freeloaders and “honey tourists”

Before being taken down Bob waved and asked me to post “Evening Light #2" an oil on canvas from many years ago. A touch of peace in troubled times.

Shameful News

I am deeply saddened and not a little ashamed to inform readers that Curly Bob is currently languishing in a prison cell on the outskirts of Avignon. All last week the Gendarmerie were hot on the trail of Bob and the net finally closed around him yesterday. To be fair a blind man could have found Bob by following the trail of empty honey jars, chocolate wrappers, empty wine and beer bottles not to mention a string of unpaid bar bills.

I took the first train to France to see what could be done and to ensure fair play in the legal system. After a long journey I arrived at the prison only to find I was too late for visiting time. Somewhat dejected I asked, in my best french, if Bob was O.K. The guard 's stony expression melted into a wide grin  saying " Ah oui, Monsieur Curly Bob!, tout ca va bien!".

I was then admitted and led through various corridors to the maximum security wing housing all the most dangerous murderers,( is there ever a safe murderer?), robbers and much worse. You can imagine my trepidation as I approached Bob's cell. I need not have worried.

I had to queue behind a line of guards and prisoners, in manacles, who were waiting patiently to be photographed with Bob and / or have his autograph. His cell was not what I expected. There was a large flat screen TV on the wall and a fridge by his bedside which was well stocked with his favourite honey  and chocolate.

Bob was playing poker with the Governor and 2 of the prison's most notorious hard cases. All 3 looked like they were nursing monumental hangovers. Curly Bob was his sprightly self and hardly visible behind a wall of poker chips.

During a comfort break (i.e. more drinks, snacks and photos) I took the Governor on one side. Both he and the 2 inmates were losing heavily. The Governor was in a difficult position as he was not supposed to be playing games with the inmates(- it is a prison after all.)

A more pressing matter was the 2 inmates who were known to have more "final" methods of clearing their debts(gulp!). Clearly Bob was unaware of the danger he was in and it was beyond his conception(nearly everything is-Ed) that he might disappear down the toilet bowl or worse.

There was also the matter of the prison's kitchen running out of honey, chocolate and ice cream. This would not endear him to his fellow prisoners who also resented what they regarded as his preferential treatment.

The Governor was on good terms with the local magistrate and we agreed it would be better for all concerned if Bob's trial date was moved forward in return for the Governor's debts being paid.

A couple of phone calls later and it was agreed Bob's trial could be held within a couple of days and meanwhile he would be held in solitary for his own safety. Before I left,  Bob asked me to keep posting my work pending his eventual release. Therefore here are 

"Egyptian Desert" 

and

"Elephants at Sunset"